The quest for the perfect mate is one that so many of us embark on, yet the real secret isn’t about finding them—it’s about becoming the greatest version of yourself.
Attracting a partner who is truly aligned with you starts with how you show up in your own life. It’s about creating a magnetic energy that naturally draws in the kind of person who matches your highest values and deepest desires.
I have been asked questions around how to find a worthy partner many times over the last few weeks so thought it timely to address some interesting aspects of this enquiry
(It is Spring after all…).
1. What would I love to see in my ‘perfect’ partner?
2. How do I not carry my baggage from past relationships into my dating game?
3. How do I become more attractive for a quality partner?
4. Why do I keep attracting the same kind of person with the same dramas?
Overview
Did you know that the more empowered you are, the higher the probability of becoming more attractive to a potential mate?
When it comes to our own empowerment, there are specific areas of life that represent different facets of ourself and our power. These include;
Spiritual: our meaningful purpose or inspired mission for our life
Mental: Learning, creating intelligent, innovative ideas that contribute to the world and using our creative mental capacities to the fullest
Vocational: Career success, achievement, service in a sustainable fair exchange and profitable manner.
Financial: Building wealth for financial freedom/independence – where our money is working for us more than we for it
Familial: Family love and relationship intimacy
Social: Social influence and leadership, making a difference
Physical: Wellness, attractiveness, fitness, stamina, strength, vitality and well-being
When seeking a partner, most people would love to find someone who embodies as many of these powers as possible.
Tell me that the following aren’t attractive attributes of a potential mate - physically attractive and fit, intelligent and witty, ambitious, financial stabile, desirable and affectionate, socially skilled with connections, and has expanded vision and living an inspired life.
It makes sense then; by developing as many of these powers within ourself, we will greatly enhance our appeal in the dating realm and increase the probability of attracting a suitable partner.
Now here is the interesting thing, when looking for a partner, it is common to seek someone who can both assist us in empowering all seven aspects of our life as well as them being empowered in as many these same seven areas as possible. The neurochemistry of attraction has a lot to do with what we perceive the potential mate to be and what we perceive they can offer us.
So, any area in our life where we perceive ourself to lack empowerment, we tend to attract a partner to fill in that gap, to assist in giving us overall empowerment in our life.
In a way, it's about finding the disowned parts of ourself to ‘complete’ what we may consciously or unconsciously perceive is missing.
However, and here is the kicker, any area in which we perceive ourself relatively diminished in empowerment can make us vulnerable to others overpowering us, especially when searching for a mate.
Additionally, if we are not perceiving ourself to be particularly fit, intelligent, ambitious, or empowered in other areas, this might limit our options, as it won’t be attractive to an empowered individual.
So, as we embark on our journey to find a partner, it is wise to remember that we are likely looking for someone who helps us empower ourself across these seven areas, just as they are likely looking for the same in us, and any area of life we empower can become a magnet for attention, giving us an advantage when it comes to attracting and retaining a partner.
Empowering the seven areas of life is not just so we can attract and acquire a partner, it is also about maintaining our seven powers to sustain the relationship longer term. More about this empowerment after we explore the dynamics of “search images”.
1. "Search images” and what we would love to see in our “perfect partner”.
What determines our search image?
Most people have a checklist when it comes to finding a partner. This list includes seeking search images and avoiding anti-search images. As explained above, part of the search image will involve seeking someone who can assist us in empowering all seven aspects of our life as well as them being empowered in as many these same seven areas as possible.
Added to the search image is anything that's been pleasurable in a past relationship, while anything that's been painful, we are likely to create an anti-search image. These aspects of our search image can subjectively reduce the selection size.
The final piece to your search image is anything that we fantasise about in a relationship (perceiving more positives than negatives) and anything that we have nightmares about in a relationship (perceiving more negatives than positives), will also create a search image and anti-search image. These fantasies and nightmares may be influenced by movies, social media, religion or inculcated from societies morals and ethics.
These fantasy/nightmare perceptions are incomplete awarenesses without full consciousness of all the data. They are emotionally charged promoting a one-sided experience or life and, as such, activates the animal brain amygdala. When the amygdala is running our decisions, we impulsively react with a primitive ‘seeking pleasure’ or instinctively react with ‘avoiding pain’ response.
This impulsive/instinctive animal reaction manifests in our life by us taking action to avoid certain people that we associate with pain and taking action to seek those that we associate with pleasure.
This is why clearing any emotional baggage associated with past relationships, as well as neutralising any fantasies and nightmares around relationships will expand our social spheres, promote further empowerment and broaden our dating arena.
2. How do I not carry my baggage from past relationships into my dating game?
When we apply the Demartini Method to clear emotional charges associated with all past relationships, we will dissolve any relationship baggage (associated nightmares and fantasies) and will be more likely to use the more objective executive centre of our brain, instead of being driven by the selectively biased seek and avoid response of the amygdala.
By clearing the lopsided perceptions, we will be liberated to see a potential mate with clear vision, instead of judging them through the clouds of our delusional emotional baggage.
By using the more evolved part of the brain we will be more objective, less seeking and avoiding and more likely to strategically, proactively aligning ourself with an overall equally empowered individual for the sake of fulfilling possibly a common inspired goal.
Our relationship will more likely be for the sake of achieving a common vision as opposed to the sake of completing what we perceive to be lacking in ourself, resulting in greater meaning and fulfilment.
If we don’t clear our emotional baggage from previous relationships, we have a higher probability of attracting in a similar dynamic with future mates. This Law of Attraction provides us with the opportunity to reflect and integrate the specific disowned parts of ourself.
3. How do I increase the probability of attracting a quality partner?
A. Empower all areas of your life
This involves asking questions like:
How can I foster intellectual growth?
How can I expand my business and accumulate wealth?
How do I become inspired by what I am doing?
How do I keep my body as fit as possible?
How do I become stable in my relationships, both within my family and with my partner
How do I become a leader in my life?
What shames, guilts and prides, resentments, grudges and infatuations are holding me back, keeping me small, distracting me from being my authentic and empowered self?
The most effective way to address empowerment is to identify our highest values; a clear understanding of what matters most to us. When we live congruently with our highest values, the actions that are most important and highest in priority, our blood, glucose, and oxygen flow into the forebrain, the executive centre, and, as mentioned, we tend to have more objectivity, more emotional stability, more clarity, clearer vision and be inspired. This is magnetic. Who hasn’t felt attracted to be in the presence of an inspired individual?
We also tend to be more stable and more powerful. It’s for this reason that people who prioritise their life and do things that are high in value, tend to become more valuable. When we do things low in our hierarchy of values, we become less valuable.
Living by our highest values is a very effective way to empower all seven areas of our life.
Taking the time to map out how we would love to live our life so we can live by design instead of duty is also a power move. It can also be a game changer if we find ourself subordinating to others who try to project their values onto us and expect us to live by them. Attempting to align with someone else’s values instead of our own can likely disempower us.
Two disempowering systems are
1. placing people on pedestals and trying to adopt their values, or
2. looking down on others and trying to get them to live according to our values.
Both approaches are futile, frustrating and disempowering.
By being authentic, and living congruently with our highest values, is where we tend to have the most power. By prioritising our life and engaging our executive function, we become an executive in our life. People are naturally drawn to executive functioning individual, as they tend to exude stability and strength.
B. Clear past emotional charges associated with previous relationships
Before you can attract a healthy, fulfilling relationship, it’s crucial to address any lingering emotional wounds or patterns from past relationships. Do you notice a recurring theme in your dating history? Are there unresolved fears or beliefs that hold you back from being open and authentic? Take time to resolve these parts of yourself and as you release old baggage, you create space for someone who aligns with your present, not your past.
Address and clear past relationship wounds as they cause us to unconsciously avoid certain behaviours that are linked to what we don’t want, and unconsciously seek certain behaviours that are linked to what we do want, limiting our field.
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C. Checking in on your search image, clarifying it and dissolving the seek and avoid reaction
Make a list of everything you desire in a partner and its opposite.
Write out all the drawbacks of the positive search image e.g search image: has beautifully made-up face - drawbacks could be: having to filter unwanted attention from others, taking a long time to get ready, distracted when out as needing to maintain appearance etc
Similarly, write out all the benefits of the anti-search image.
NOTE: this exercise isn’t about changing your search image in any way, but just calms the attachment to it while giving you a more balanced perspective that it isn’t all going to be flowers and unicorns. Having a one-sided expectation (fantasy) sets you up for unmet expectations, disappointment and resentment.
This exercise calms the valency of perception and the seek and avoid response, and assists with activating the executive centre for a more objective, more emotional stability with greater clarity and vision, becoming more powerful as a result. You can still choose to have the partner with the beautifully made-up face, but you are making a decision from objective poise not being driven by fantasy with an expectation that life will be better. Everything has drawbacks and benefits and to be aware of both allows you to make informed empowered decisions, instead of ignorant emotional reactions.
D. Expand your awareness to realise that nothing is missing
If you have a feeling of emptiness which is driving your search for a partner, a beautiful exercise to do is to identify clearly what specific trait, action or inaction you perceive is missing. Then identify who or what is currently fulfilling these aspects in your life, so you can be certain you are not lacking them. Don’t be attached to the form -it helps to really identify what the action represents to you. It will be there.
Recognise that your hierarchy of values shapes the form of your current relationships. While you may be getting all of what you want, it might be dispersed among different people. This is a reflection of the Law of the one and the many. (Often, when you have it in the many, you seek it in the one, when you have it in the one, you seek it in the many )
The above process is instrumental in dissolving emotional baggage tied to your search and anti-search images, dispelling feelings of emptiness, and enhancing intimacy, love, and appreciation for life as it is. This gratitude enhances your magnetism.
Finding a partner isn’t just about chance or chemistry—it’s deeply connected to how you empower yourself in all areas of life. Think about it: your spiritual insights, mental clarity, purpose in your work, financial stability, family dynamics, social connections, and physical well-being all shape who you are and the energy you bring into relationships.
When you're seeking a partner, you’re naturally drawn to those who have cultivated strength and balance in these areas—and the same goes for them. People are magnetised by those who are thriving. So, if you want to attract the right person into your life, focus on becoming empowered across all aspects of your own life.
It’s not just about being appealing to others; it’s about aligning yourself with the kind of partnership that reflects the growth and fulfilment you’ve cultivated. When you do, you open the door to a relationship that’s not only meaningful but also built to last.
4. Why do I keep attracting the same kind of person with the same dramas?
Well, this is a complete topic in itself – one I will address in a separate blog. Stay tuned….
If you would like help in empowering yourself in all areas of life, balancing your perceptions, dissolving any past relationship baggage, and becoming the magnetic leader in your own life, please reach out and contact me here
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